Wordplay Witticism Pillows

"I'll have the chicken or the eggs benedict—whichever of them comes first."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

Backfire

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?