Wordplay Wit Pillows

'I don't think we should have any more eggs Chester. Maybe you should see the vet about having your chicken nuggets removed.'

'I'll have another flu shot.'

"The secret life of beeswax" "Hi honey." "Sup honey?" "Hiya honeybunch!" "Honey?" "Hi hon!"

"Why do you have to spoil a good argument by bringing in common sense?"

'I'm having a problem with wingless nymph blatteria - formerly cockroaches.'

Antiques, Furniture Stripping, Stripping.

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"That's it. We’re toast."

Backfire

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."