Witty Wordplay Enthusiasts Gifts

My new trash pickup day is midweek, on Wednesday. Hump-day dump-day!

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

"Sorry John. I'm between placebos right now."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Lesser known greek gods,

'What amazes me most is that years ago I couldn't even spell teacher - now I are one!'

'So tell me why you think you're suffering from seasonal ineffective disorder.'

Please Drove Carefully.

Punt Cake

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Gay Times...

Smith Academy. A Tradition of Excellense.

"Out damn Spot

'Hello, Acme signs? This is the Berger & Coles Law Office...'

"When you say the meek will inherit the earth, does that include the mineral rights?"

Wishing Well, Wishing Good.

"He's sworn never to say Boudicca, ShrOwsbury, whoM, or narrative."

Famous Jewish Blues Singer Series.

"Privates Beach"

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"Petting zoo" "Heavy petting zoo"

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Who plays ball with the Dalai Lama?" "That's right." "What's right?" "Who plays ball with the Dalai Lama." "Why are you asking me?"

"Nuts to you, too."