Writing Witticism Pillows

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

You trip on it, you buy it.

'He never listened to his mother!'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

Sharp Eyes

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Male On Sunday

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

Bell Hop

Change Of Heart

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

Mom's Mortuary

"High Fashion"

Beware of a first kiss that speaks volumes.

'I thought I could dance...'

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'

Cottage Cheese

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'

"We should have taken a eweber."

'Dad a dachshund is really half a dog high and two dog long...'