Writing Witticist Pillows

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Sharp Eyes

'He never listened to his mother!'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

You trip on it, you buy it.

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

Bagel problems.

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Male On Sunday

Bell Hop

So I said, If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving you too much. Apparently, that's not what you're supposed to say to a traffic court judge.

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

Cross Umbrella

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'

'I thought I could dance...'

"We should have taken a eweber."

Change Of Heart

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

'Branding is essential if you're to survive in the Jungle of modern law...'

Beware of a first kiss that speaks volumes.

Cottage Cheese