Writing Wit Pillows

'I feel like doing a little writing tonight. Where's the checkbook?'

"This position has become very important to the company."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Snowprov

Backfire

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"Just one more question before I let you in...I can let you in...are you a cat or dog person?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Doggone

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Czarcasm

How are you at decision making?

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'