Literary Wit Pillows

'I'm writing a sequel to my autobiography.'

"Do you have any immature reading?"

"You're going to hate yourself."

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

Will Self deprecation

"Frankenstein? Isn't the story of a being made from the parts of others a little far-fetched?" "I find it very believable."

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

'He has his father's feet.'

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"You'd like a book by Shakespeare? Certainly sir - which one. . .?"

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

Whipping Cream

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

Spiv

"I am in so much trouble."

Greece Idyll

G.K. Chesterton.

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

A heron wearing waders.

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

Under Canvas

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

Generational curses: 'Yeah A virus on your PC'

'Wow! This style of writing went out back in the seventies!'

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."