Literary Wit Gifts

'I'm writing a sequel to my autobiography.'

"Do you have any immature reading?"

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Just one more question before I let you in...I can let you in...are you a cat or dog person?"

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

'He has his father's feet.'

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"Frankenstein? Isn't the story of a being made from the parts of others a little far-fetched?" "I find it very believable."

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

"You'd like a book by Shakespeare? Certainly sir - which one. . .?"

Will Self deprecation

Spiv

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

Whipping Cream

"I am in so much trouble."

G.K. Chesterton.

Greece Idyll

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

A heron wearing waders.

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

Under Canvas

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

'Wow! This style of writing went out back in the seventies!'

Generational curses: 'Yeah A virus on your PC'

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

'I feel like doing a little writing tonight. Where's the checkbook?'