Literary Wits Gifts

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

Never write a sonnet on an empty stomach

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"You'd like a book by Shakespeare? Certainly sir - which one. . .?"

Will Self deprecation

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

Greece Idyll

G.K. Chesterton.

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

Looking Daggers

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

'Wow! This style of writing went out back in the seventies!'

'I feel like doing a little writing tonight. Where's the checkbook?'

Ignorance of the law rarely keeps some attorneys from practicing it.

"...Yes, I do. But, I also believe in hate at first sight."

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

'I'm writing a sequel to my autobiography.'

"Do you have any immature reading?"

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"