Literary Wits Gifts

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"Philip Larkin wouldn't like you, either."

"You're going to hate yourself."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

Never write a sonnet on an empty stomach

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

Will Self deprecation

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

"You'd like a book by Shakespeare? Certainly sir - which one. . .?"

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

G.K. Chesterton.

Greece Idyll

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

Looking Daggers

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

'Wow! This style of writing went out back in the seventies!'

Penny for your lack of thoughts.

'I feel like doing a little writing tonight. Where's the checkbook?'

"Gee, I just love the British dry sense of humor!"

"Do you have any immature reading?"

'...and finally I'd just like to thank my plastic surgeon for giving me these puppies.'

"...Yes, I do. But, I also believe in hate at first sight."

'I hear he won the Pulitzer for mathematics. Or was it the Emmy?'

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

Ignorance of the law rarely keeps some attorneys from practicing it.

'I'm writing a sequel to my autobiography.'