Quick Wits Gifts

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

It would be a painful forty five minutes before Arthur finally admitted he left his presentation at home.

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'I'm a bit pressed for time. Give me your one-minute elevator pitch.'

"Wordle in two! You hear me? Two!!"

Tonite: Gala Costume Party. Got your costume for the big party? No, I'll just part my hair on the other side and go as my own reflection.

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

Man using an entrance canopy as an umbrella

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

"Baseball is way too boring - so, we're doing one inning, winner takes all, everybody go home early and live their lives."

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

I was thinking about something more like a slogan.

Barry Cryer.

Mildred takes a shortcut to the shops. . .

Run. Freeze. Run again! Turn around. Run! No, freeze!

'Please sir - all of them!'

Said Cohen? Who's askin? Someone who is about to make your dreams come true. Why? Are you gonna let me yell at you until you bleed? Caustic. Quick-witted just as Facebook led me to believe. What the heck are you talking about?!?! Nothing. Ready to experience pure joy? I'm ready to attack!!

Working with Hahnium, which has a half-life of 35 seconds.

"Philip Larkin wouldn't like you, either."

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

"On the contrary, Hank, I believe that in some cases, slapping a band-aid on a problem is a VERY effective solution!"

'Quick, Bensonhurst-Shaw, I need a bon mot for today's meeting.'

"...Yes, I do. But, I also believe in hate at first sight."

Surgeon asking patient, 'Would you like this to go?'

A Cartoonist's Pen

I gain weight every fall and then lose it in the spring. I have a seasonally adjusted figure.

Paramedic running after dropped stretcher.

Think fast!

'Still no boyfriend, Enda couldn't shake off her man eating image'

Recording. You need to talk faster. We only have sixty seconds to record the side effects for this pharmaceutical commercial.