Quick Wit Aficionado Gifts

Lecture on dealing with hecklers-tongues sharpened while you wait.

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

The Thinker. The Listener

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"I love this time of year."

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

'Time and tide wait for no woman..'

Counsel's Opinion.

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

A lesson in wit

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

"Yeah, I know why you pulled me over. But, c'mon. I'm down to half a pack a day and I'm tryin' to quit."

Two men jogging past one another trying to get as many words in as possible.

I was thinking about something more like a slogan.

Know-it-alls

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

If I may paraphrase an old saying, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to urinate like racehorses." ! !

Strike A Balance

Back Down

'With Myrna and I, it was love at first slight.'

"At work, they call me benchmark."

'Please sir - all of them!'

What did you see when you looked into my eyes, doctor? Two limpid pools. But I'm trying to control myself.

"I just got accepted to Yale." "I'd jump up and down for joy but my boobs are just way too big for that nonsense."

'I never know when you're joking!'

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination? I would, but I'm the person he's texting.

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'How come when you're right it's female intuition and when I'm right it's dumb luck?'

'Ok, well I can give you a full teeth examination, but I suspect that they're all rotten.'

'What's a knee like yours doing in a joint like this?'