Workplace Storytellers Gifts

"This job is yours if you'll get a sex change!"

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Noah's life jacket demonstration

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

'We have to forfeit, Three of our players got squashed on the way over here,'

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

"He'll never win this negotiation. He's saddled with numbers...but we have anecdotes."

Of course, we have to begin with certain assumptions. Let's assume I'm right and you're wrong.

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

Wall of Office Memories

'My office is always open to you Charles, at least until maintenance repairs the door lock.'

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

'It just got ugly. Ed from I.T. drank the entire water cooler and he wasn't even thirsty!'

"This is the deluxe edition Annual Report Director's Cut with restored graphs and alternative endings."

Confident Business Team - We Know We Can

'I hired a motivational speaker once, but unfortunately all of my employees left to get better jobs.'

'I eliminated all the platitudes and cliche statements, from your mission statement, and I'm left with this blank sheet of paper.'

"Did you hear the good news? We're engaged to become work spouses."

"These are my windscreen credits."

'My job security hinges on the fact that I work cheaper than someone overseas.'

'Miss Walker, bring a new pair of underpants right this minute!'

Turning a business graph around to get a positive reading.

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

'It's good to be back, Ms. Norton.. did anything important happen while I was away?'

"Social distancing... masks, it's difficult sometimes to know who you're talking to."

"This is juicy - tell me more!"

"I was married to my job for years, and now, all of a sudden, I'm paying ALIMONY to it!"

'It's is the feeling of this board that you are overdoing the 'lead by example' thing.'

When Sales and Marketing Do Not Communicate

This cologne reminds my husband of our first kiss, years ago in the old copy room. It's eau de mimeograph.

"No! Now, what was the question?"

"I understand that you've been demanding more vacation time. . . so we've decided to let you have the rest of your life off."