Workplace Raconteur Gifts

"Old, you've seemed a bit down recently. Do you need anything?"

'You can always tell the ones with the big severance buyouts.'

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

'You said you wanted more responsibility, so I'm making you responsible for everything that goes wrong.'

'Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our new 'health and safety' officer.'

'Oh, really? I work for little softy.'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

'It just got ugly. Ed from I.T. drank the entire water cooler and he wasn't even thirsty!'

"I was just ringing to see if you got the e-mail about the letter I sent you?"

Telecommuting doesn't hold up well during team building trust exercises.

"Did you hear the good news? We're engaged to become work spouses."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

'Of course it's not your fault, Smedley, but someone has to accept the responsibility.'

"He assured me the merger is nothing to worry about."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'Miss Walker, bring a new pair of underpants right this minute!'

And that, gentlemen, is my opinion for what it's worth.

"Pretty good day. I wasn't linked to anything incriminating."

'My job security hinges on the fact that I work cheaper than someone overseas.'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

"I'd like to be the first to welcome you to our company. But, I've decided not to hire you."

"Bartleson, are we cronies yet?"

"The employer-employee bond is sometimes difficult to sever."

"Social distancing... masks, it's difficult sometimes to know who you're talking to."

This cologne reminds my husband of our first kiss, years ago in the old copy room. It's eau de mimeograph.

"I understand that you've been demanding more vacation time. . . so we've decided to let you have the rest of your life off."

"I was married to my job for years, and now, all of a sudden, I'm paying ALIMONY to it!"

Watercooler moments weren't quite the same since Norman started working from home.

'My boss took a pre-emtive strike... he fired me!'

'Maybe we are micro-managing a bit too much.'

"Great first quarter guys but I'm a little concerned about the future."

"We're becoming a new dynamic company, Miss Peeble, and frankly you just haven't got the wow factor."

"And then she slapped my face, injuring my beard."