Storyteller Of Workplace Tales Gifts

"I wouldn't have fired her if I had known the microwave was hers!"

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

Of course, we have to begin with certain assumptions. Let's assume I'm right and you're wrong.

'My office is always open to you Charles, at least until maintenance repairs the door lock.'

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

'I hired a motivational speaker once, but unfortunately all of my employees left to get better jobs.'

'It just got ugly. Ed from I.T. drank the entire water cooler and he wasn't even thirsty!'

"This is the deluxe edition Annual Report Director's Cut with restored graphs and alternative endings."

Confident Business Team - We Know We Can

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

"Did you hear the good news? We're engaged to become work spouses."

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'Miss Walker, bring a new pair of underpants right this minute!'

'My job security hinges on the fact that I work cheaper than someone overseas.'

'I can't sleep... Tell me about your day at the office again.'

'Back in '83 I painted my entire den white with those little bottles of correction fluid. That was the golden age of office supply pilfering.'

"Social distancing... masks, it's difficult sometimes to know who you're talking to."

"This is juicy - tell me more!"

'It's good to be back, Ms. Norton.. did anything important happen while I was away?'

'It's is the feeling of this board that you are overdoing the 'lead by example' thing.'

When Sales and Marketing Do Not Communicate

"And to add insult to injury, the CEO fired me in a sticky note."

"I was married to my job for years, and now, all of a sudden, I'm paying ALIMONY to it!"

"I understand that you've been demanding more vacation time. . . so we've decided to let you have the rest of your life off."

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

"No! Now, what was the question?"

This cologne reminds my husband of our first kiss, years ago in the old copy room. It's eau de mimeograph.

"Believe me, Alice, you didn't miss a thing. It wasn't even a party—it was a positioning event."

'This call may be monitored for training purposes or just to keep our staff amused.'

'Instead of a bedtime story, I'm going to read you my company's report for the third quarter.'

"No, you can't borrow my pen."

'I did tell the press there would be a photo opportunity, but no one came.'

"We're becoming a new dynamic company, Miss Peeble, and frankly you just haven't got the wow factor."