Workplace Comedy Gifts

'When I said you had a number of outstanding timesheets, it wasn't a compliment.'

'Fetch help quickly...The accident book's fallen on him!

'Must be a personal call - she snarls at the customers!'

'Managing change is all about coping with the unexpected and you don't get more unexpected than this.'

"I've given you a glowing reference, Hempson. And here's the disclaimer to go with it."

"As receptionist, you'll be answering the phone, greeting customers and doing whatever else they dump on you."

Office Safety - Fire Escape Practice.

'My snake went to work in one of those call-centres.'

"Due to the nasty flu going around the office, I'll be taking the week off."

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

'That's better. Now you can go back to work.'

'No you all know me, I like to call a spade a vegetable plot preparation solution...'

'If anyone calls, I've gone to look for Wally.'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'If you now feel like punching someone in the face. . . press five!'

'Someone in this department has been visiting inappropriate websites,'

'I can't work with computers, on account of my animal magnetism.'

'I put Wilson on your project and last I heard he was all over it!'

"I was just...er...conserving energy!"

"He wasn't specific. His last message just said, play it safe - whatever that means."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Corporate Coaching Management Training.

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'I REALLY disapprove of our mandatory retirement plan! '

'How can you say I don't show initiative when every day I'm the first to leave for lunch?'

'If the boss calls. . . find out who he is.'

'When I said you were going to be our bean counter, you happily agreed. So, what's the problem?'

'Worst case of buzzword overdose I've ever seen!'

"Forget the chart, we got a REAL problem...the shredder's broken!"

'Let's try to make this an interesting meeting. My biographer will be here.'

'Hey, Bob! Good to hear from you. Last time we talked, you had some sorta yoga injury.'

'I'm terribly sorry, he's tied up at the moment, could anyone else possible help. . ?'

"I can't go back to work...I didn't bring a change of clothes."

'Warm a chair...swill coffee...thumb through catalogues and surf the Internet... By golly, Ted, he's RIGHT. They're all in his job description!'

'So, you think it would take you a month to train someone else to do your job? Okay, I'm giving you a month's notice.'