Workplace Comedian Gifts

'It's not that Ted was a bad guy, he was just all out of 5's.'

"Well, if doodling all day is busy, I was busy."

Rudolph the brown-nosed reindeer.

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Sometimes I think the collaborative process would work better without you."

"When I said to convince him of the need for change I was hoping you'd use the seductive power of reason and logic."

'You're out here because you're supposed to receive a performance review? I'm out here because I'm supposed to give one!'

Team work.

"Dislocating your jaw yawning during my lecture on work related injuries is NOT a work related injury!"

"Blame culture...who is reponsible for this?" "Him..him..him...her..."

'You suck.'

'Miss Johnson, would you mind ordering me another computer? And you can cancel that call to tech-support.'

'Ed, I think we should talk about our 'casual friday' policy...'

CEO decides to enroll the board in an apology workshop.

'Welcome aboard, Peterson. I understand we're going to be working together!'

'Right, now that a relationship of trust has been established, let's get down to business, shall we ?'

'We need to update our employee recognition program.'

"Take a course or something. Learning at your own speed isn't working out."

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'

"And once you've achieved your 25% improvement in client satisfaction surveys, we need you to solve the problem of global warming,third world poverty and cold toast."

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

Psychometric testing: "Of course the tests are nonsense but we're working on the basis that anyone who can be bothered to complete all 148 of them MUST be highly motivated."

'Watch your step, Bob. It looks like the company's trying to cut payroll expenses again.'

'That's great, Bob, but I was just going to ask if you wanted anything from the deli next door.'

'It's just a temporary title until the staff gets to know you.'

'This memo you sent me is all in caps. Why are you yelling at me?'

'I think morale might imrove if you discontinued the 'loser of the week' e-mail.'

'Warning - inappropriate behaviour could lead to harassement claims. Please shake hands under the mistletoe!'

Now, let's remove the blindfold and have a look around your new work space: Bad news, delivered badly.

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

Personnel: 'Next question, what was the reason for leaving your last job?' Reply: 'I got sick of being questioned about everything I did!'

"Do you mind if I give you a little destructive criticism?"

"At first I thought it was just coincidence, then I noticed it corresponded perfectly to your shift."

'My doctor says I should try to have more fun at work.'

'Some of these young school leavers aren't remotely prepared for the realities of the modern work environment.'