Workplace Comedians Gifts

"He hasn't finished his 'communicating with staff in a sensitive and empathic manner' module yet."

Getting employees involved in decision making can help give them a sense of ownership. Sometimes, a little too much.

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

"Pamela, cancel my lunch with Cosgrove, set up a meeting with legal, bring me the Hutson file, then go out and smell some roses for me."

'Usually we place a great deal of emphasis upon confidentiality for our clients...Unfortunately, the current staffing shortages mean that we've had to adopt a more flexible approach...'

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

'I don't want just a bunch of 'yes' men around here! Hire a couple of women!'

'Well, my company can offer the best prices because we've got the lowest personnel expenses!'

"I'm sorry, but Fred isn't available. He's spending a few days in the penalty box for not being a good team player. May I help you?"

'I'm afraid working in a take-away isn't the sort of experience we're looking for.'

'The board insisted that we recruit younger talent.'

"A sense of humour is useful if you work here, especially when it comes to your salary."

It's amazing how office technology has really revolutionized the way I goof off!

Health and Safety

"For calling in sick press two to have our psychic verify your condition."

"We've decided to give you a bonus, Rick. It's any change you find under the cushions."

A foreman at a construction site glares at a smoker and points to the 'Smoking Area' at the end of a high crane.

Jenkins, Gridley, Pembroke & Wynn: Dysfunctional Behavior

Never leave kids unsupervised. They might goof off and miss their deadline.

When asked what impresses them least in a candidate, most interviewers cite 'not listening to the question'...

'Frankly I'm disappointed in your commitment to late night shelf stacking.'

"He's brilliant exactly like me, and a lower paid version."

"My boss is always telling me what to do."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'