Office Comedians Gifts

"I believe I already know most of you from the drum circle."

'When I asked if you were flexible, Mrs. Harkness, I was asking about your hours!'

"When do the training wheels come off?"

It's our latest caseload management system, we just keep on adding files until he falls over.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'It just seems like, ever since the system upgrade, nothing's where it should be.'

'As you both know, here at Frump, Cuttle and Howsen, failure is not an option, so that only leaves blame.'

We're teaching using the 'show and tell' method,we show them where the training website is and tell them how to use it!

'Your report is eight pages too long.'

It turns out people aren't buying our product because it's stupid.

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"Well we'd value the company at either £24 million. . . less than £100,000 or somewhere in between. But we wouldn't want you to hold us to that."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'I never need conflict management as long as I keep hiring yes-people.'

'So, we are agreed, gentlemen: either we need more diversity on this board, or we need to get a better cartoonist!'

'Need some kidneys.'

"Heck, yeah, we have benefits! Take the coffeepot, for instance...it's always full."

...What if I promise to only use half my brain?

To be more convincing when he faked a sick day, Bill liked to actually feel lousy.

'Squeeze my hand if you want us to hold your job for you.'

"...then there is business Plan 'C', that does involve robbing a bank."

Dead Man Presents Flat Line At Meeting

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

'Some health plan, huh?'

"Portrait? - what portrait ?"

Micromanage / Nanomanage

"We demand so many non-compete agreements, you'll have to find work on Mars if you quit us."

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

"We need more reasons to merge than you want to make new friends."

"Why do people around here get so agitated about stuff like yoghurt?" "It's the culture of the organisation"

'Don't hesitate to critize me, Herb, whenever I think I am wrong.'

On reflection I think I could have coped with just 340 degree feedback.

'You're more than just a number to us, Hawkins, we see you as a real person...one with a poor work ethic and a tendency toward insubordination!'

'Peabody, Yomp, Lee, Brodski & Dirkshaw...buddies since 4th grade.