Office Comedians Pillows

"I believe I already know most of you from the drum circle."

'When I asked if you were flexible, Mrs. Harkness, I was asking about your hours!'

"When do the training wheels come off?"

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

It's our latest caseload management system, we just keep on adding files until he falls over.

'It just seems like, ever since the system upgrade, nothing's where it should be.'

'As you both know, here at Frump, Cuttle and Howsen, failure is not an option, so that only leaves blame.'

We're teaching using the 'show and tell' method,we show them where the training website is and tell them how to use it!

'Your report is eight pages too long.'

It turns out people aren't buying our product because it's stupid.

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"Well we'd value the company at either £24 million. . . less than £100,000 or somewhere in between. But we wouldn't want you to hold us to that."

'I never need conflict management as long as I keep hiring yes-people.'

'Need some kidneys.'

"Heck, yeah, we have benefits! Take the coffeepot, for instance...it's always full."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'So, we are agreed, gentlemen: either we need more diversity on this board, or we need to get a better cartoonist!'

'Squeeze my hand if you want us to hold your job for you.'

...What if I promise to only use half my brain?

"...then there is business Plan 'C', that does involve robbing a bank."

To be more convincing when he faked a sick day, Bill liked to actually feel lousy.

Dead Man Presents Flat Line At Meeting

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'Some health plan, huh?'

Micromanage / Nanomanage

"We demand so many non-compete agreements, you'll have to find work on Mars if you quit us."

"Portrait? - what portrait ?"

The new boss brought a sense of urgency.

'We try to be completely fair with our employees and always treat them with respect, Grimes...I hate that name...change it.'

'Peabody, Yomp, Lee, Brodski & Dirkshaw...buddies since 4th grade.

"Why do people around here get so agitated about stuff like yoghurt?" "It's the culture of the organisation"

'Jones, I have asked this officer to arrest you on the grounds that you are a serial time killer.'

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

'Sit up straight and fix your hair mister, who was that young hussy that I saw you speaking too?...'

"If the jumper cables don't work, I'll pour more motor oil on the keys."