Comedian In The Workplace Gifts

Workload management.

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"The meeting will come to order."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Morning, all!"

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"