Comedian In The Office Gifts

"Looks like rain."

"Protection from UV radiation is very important....but I think factor 50 suncream should be sufficient!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"This position has become very important to the company."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'That's our mission statement.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'