Workplace Humor Gifts

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

'Oh, you are such a BABY! Just how bad can a little paper cut be?'

"Obviously, we need to readjust to in-office meetings."

"You don't get an office. You get cargo pants."

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

Desk bins: 'Action' 'Action-Worthy' 'Action-ific'... 'Actually Done' (Nothing).

"I can give you a 93.4% assurance that there is less than a 65.6% possibility that this excercise will simply generate 34.8% more meaningless statistics."

"Why don't you try learning from your own mistakes?"

'We found the donut to be more of an incentive for him.'

'But you have to admit management's commitment to quality is working.'

'You suck.'

"I think I should warn you that the flip side of our generous bonus-incentive program is capital punishment."

When giving feedback, there will always be something for you to comment upon.

17 Days Without a Reorganization

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed, nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into a portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale"

'Stare at it all you want sir, but I can assure you, no one is going to jump out and yell 'April Fools.'

Performance Management.

'It's not your work Hannon - it's your attitude.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'It's just a temporary title until the staff gets to know you.'

'The contract is very clear. You're free to go once the project's completed.'

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'

'And this is one of our clients...er I mean service users, no I mean...'

Worker doing impression from the end of Titanic.

'Let me look, I think I kept your ideas on file...'

'I'll ask someone else. Didn't realize you were still dealing with that backlog.'

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'...so you need us to slow time, break the law and perform three miracles...by next Tuesday. You need to dial extension 101 and ask for the Wizard of Oz!'

'Come on, you can always fit one more.'

"Well I hope that gives you a flavour of what the work is about...any questions?"

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

I threw my back out picking up the guidelines

'I dread casual Fridays.'

To Err Is Human: To Forgive is Against Company Policy.