Workplace Humor Pillows

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

'Oh, you are such a BABY! Just how bad can a little paper cut be?'

"Obviously, we need to readjust to in-office meetings."

"You don't get an office. You get cargo pants."

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

Desk bins: 'Action' 'Action-Worthy' 'Action-ific'... 'Actually Done' (Nothing).

"I can give you a 93.4% assurance that there is less than a 65.6% possibility that this excercise will simply generate 34.8% more meaningless statistics."

"Why don't you try learning from your own mistakes?"

'We found the donut to be more of an incentive for him.'

'You suck.'

'But you have to admit management's commitment to quality is working.'

'All I know is that we found him on Monster.com.'

"I think I should warn you that the flip side of our generous bonus-incentive program is capital punishment."

When giving feedback, there will always be something for you to comment upon.

17 Days Without a Reorganization

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed, nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into a portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale"

'Stare at it all you want sir, but I can assure you, no one is going to jump out and yell 'April Fools.'

Performance Management.

"In order to save time and money on coffee and bathroom breaks, I've streamlined the process..."

'It's not your work Hannon - it's your attitude.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The contract is very clear. You're free to go once the project's completed.'

'It's just a temporary title until the staff gets to know you.'

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'

'And this is one of our clients...er I mean service users, no I mean...'

'Let me look, I think I kept your ideas on file...'

Worker doing impression from the end of Titanic.

'I'll ask someone else. Didn't realize you were still dealing with that backlog.'

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"Well I hope that gives you a flavour of what the work is about...any questions?"

'...so you need us to slow time, break the law and perform three miracles...by next Tuesday. You need to dial extension 101 and ask for the Wizard of Oz!'

'Come on, you can always fit one more.'

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

"Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, Hargraves, but part of me wants to go to lunch."