Witty Witnesses Gifts

'You say you saw my client do it. OK, but what if the jury doesn't believe you? Try to think outside the witness box.'

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

You're Out Of Order

Heart To Heart

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

Leonard L. Lipchitz: Sending the Law since 1972

"What can you possibly expect from my client, your honor? He's a wolf!"

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

'I preferred it before you started taking Prozac.'

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

"His schlock has gravitas."

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

"Ooooohhh, now that's what I call a piercing."

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

"He got this new circle and now he says he's part of some protection racket."

'Did someone forget to circle before dinner.'

"I felt the Earth Move!"

'Every Hallowe'en barbeque he goes way over the top!'