Witty Witnesses Gifts

'You say you saw my client do it. OK, but what if the jury doesn't believe you? Try to think outside the witness box.'

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

'It's okay sir, I'm private Johnson.'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

You're Out Of Order

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

Heart To Heart

"What can you possibly expect from my client, your honor? He's a wolf!"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Leonard L. Lipchitz: Sending the Law since 1972

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

'I preferred it before you started taking Prozac.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

"His schlock has gravitas."

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

"Ooooohhh, now that's what I call a piercing."

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

Malcolm Muggeridge

"He got this new circle and now he says he's part of some protection racket."

'Did someone forget to circle before dinner.'

"I felt the Earth Move!"

I need advice and if you ever tall anyone I asked, you're dead. Go ahead. People aren't taking me seriously. When I insult them, they don't seem that bothered. They don't cry or run away like they used to. C'mon, you're plenty offensive. Don't patronize me you @#$% meathead. Wow. Didn't bother me a bit.