Witty Misleaders Gifts

Man Diverts the Hunt...and hides the fox!

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"Who's your daddy corporation?"

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

You're Out Of Order

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

Leonard L. Lipchitz: Sending the Law since 1972

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Knights of the iPhone

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

'You say you saw my client do it. OK, but what if the jury doesn't believe you? Try to think outside the witness box.'

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

David Letterman

"His schlock has gravitas."

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

'...Or, in layman's terms, Ay caramba!'

Mastering political faces.

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

Malcolm Muggeridge

"He got this new circle and now he says he's part of some protection racket."

Spring a Leek

"If we pool our stuff, we can open a chain of toy stores."