Witty Elders Gifts

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Mom said Dad pulled a groin surfing Mendocino. When will he realize he's not 60 anymore?"

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"You know very well what fish!"

'Are you our new glue-ru?'

'It will save us time if you don't tell me what still works and and what doesn't hurt.'

Man Diverts the Hunt...and hides the fox!

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

At the Old Bikers' Home

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

Garbage is a collector's item.

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

'He must be the real Santa... He was the only sober guy at the Xmas party!'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"Don't bother complaining about anything to granddad...he'll just say 'these are the best days of your life!!!'"

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

100th Birthday

No Fear.

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

Elderly religious cleric takes stair lift up the temple.

"Okay, so I faked it...you happy now?"

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"

'I believe the saying is 'trust but verify,' not 'trust, but what would mother do'.'

Oap recruitment.