Witty Elders Gifts

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Mom said Dad pulled a groin surfing Mendocino. When will he realize he's not 60 anymore?"

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"You know very well what fish!"

'It will save us time if you don't tell me what still works and and what doesn't hurt.'

'Are you our new glue-ru?'

Man Diverts the Hunt...and hides the fox!

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

At the Old Bikers' Home

'He must be the real Santa... He was the only sober guy at the Xmas party!'

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

Garbage is a collector's item.

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"Don't bother complaining about anything to granddad...he'll just say 'these are the best days of your life!!!'"

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

100th Birthday

"You're one of the most twisted people I know!"

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

"Okay, so I faked it...you happy now?"

Quadruple espresso. Sorry, Uncle Mort. I'm gonna have to cut you off. I'm old! I can drink as much as I want, whenever I want! You think I got this old without knowing what I can and can't handle? Sorry. See?! I told you I - Zzz. A barista should always follow his instincts.

When you get to be my age, you start to notice certain patterns in the river of history. You start to notice, for instance, that the winner always loses. What's that mean? Every great power defines itself as the opposite of its main enemy. Once that enemy is defeated, the great power loses its virtues, its unity ... even its identity. The great power then either creates new enemies, or it fades into history. (Yawn) Old people talk a lot. What I'm saying is, you were not my first "Rudy Park," and

Elderly religious cleric takes stair lift up the temple.

No Fear.

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"

'I believe the saying is 'trust but verify,' not 'trust, but what would mother do'.'

Golf Shop. Sale. I need a ball that comes with distance, accuracy, and a tiny little life jacket.