Wise Elder Gifts

"Don't bother complaining about anything to granddad...he'll just say 'these are the best days of your life!!!'"

'It will save us time if you don't tell me what still works and and what doesn't hurt.'

Quadruple espresso. Sorry, Uncle Mort. I'm gonna have to cut you off. I'm old! I can drink as much as I want, whenever I want! You think I got this old without knowing what I can and can't handle? Sorry. See?! I told you I - Zzz. A barista should always follow his instincts.

When you get to be my age, you start to notice certain patterns in the river of history. You start to notice, for instance, that the winner always loses. What's that mean? Every great power defines itself as the opposite of its main enemy. Once that enemy is defeated, the great power loses its virtues, its unity ... even its identity. The great power then either creates new enemies, or it fades into history. (Yawn) Old people talk a lot. What I'm saying is, you were not my first "Rudy Park," and

'I like it when they're at the age where we can remember more than they can.'

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

Psychologist is SHOCKED by what his elderly patent is telling him.

"To listen to your instincts, press one."

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

"Things will get bad... then there will be an election... then things will get worse."

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

'Are you our new glue-ru?'

'Of course you're a failure! Look at you - seventy-two and you've never had a mid-life crisis!'

The Ageing Process.

Man with sticker on back reading 'Wife's point of view on board'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

At the Old Bikers' Home

Having a senior moment

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

'Hear no evil. See no evil. Do no evil'

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

"Remember anything recently?"

"Did I just give, or did I give wisely? That is the question."

A man giving advice to his son

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits, and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

"It's about time! -- I ordered that last February!"

"TIa Carmen, what would you do if you had your life to live over again?"

'Grandpa, how did you settle things before litigation?'