Wise Elder Humor Gifts

Young boy gives grandfather advice on smoking

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

Shirley Temple...The later years.. - 'Animal crackers in my poop...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Psychologist is SHOCKED by what his elderly patent is telling him.

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

'Mr. Franklin. What did I tell you about wheelies in the hallway?'

'It will save us time if you don't tell me what still works and and what doesn't hurt.'

'Are you our new glue-ru?'

Man with sticker on back reading 'Wife's point of view on board'

"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

'You are always living in the past!'

At the Old Bikers' Home

"I just stood up and nothing hurt... Am I dead?"

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

"It's the Florida kid."

"Don't bother complaining about anything to granddad...he'll just say 'these are the best days of your life!!!'"

"I see Arthur's arthritus is acting up again."

Mountain has tunnel called Carpal Tunnel.

Now showing: Retirement Village Vixens, You must be 65.

Quadruple espresso. Sorry, Uncle Mort. I'm gonna have to cut you off. I'm old! I can drink as much as I want, whenever I want! You think I got this old without knowing what I can and can't handle? Sorry. See?! I told you I - Zzz. A barista should always follow his instincts.

When you get to be my age, you start to notice certain patterns in the river of history. You start to notice, for instance, that the winner always loses. What's that mean? Every great power defines itself as the opposite of its main enemy. Once that enemy is defeated, the great power loses its virtues, its unity ... even its identity. The great power then either creates new enemies, or it fades into history. (Yawn) Old people talk a lot. What I'm saying is, you were not my first "Rudy Park," and

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

"Well -- You're over 30 so you probably just slept on it wrong."

'Punish us if you must, Dad, but who will you get to tie your shoe laces for you?'

"It's mostly my medications and adjustable mattress."

'Hey, Flower! That crabgrass put a perfectly legal chokehold on you! Stop your whining!'

'Grandpa, how did you settle things before litigation?'

"I may be getting older, but my mind is still as sharp as a...umm...one of those little pointy things!"

'On the other hand, I really don't do that much reading.'