Witty Aristocrat Gifts

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Vlad the Inhaler

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'He never listened to his mother!'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

You trip on it, you buy it.

Sharp Eyes

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

Male On Sunday

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

Bell Hop

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

'Branding is essential if you're to survive in the Jungle of modern law...'

'I thought I could dance...'

Beware of a first kiss that speaks volumes.

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."