Witty Eater Gifts

Slow food.

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"How can you be out of wings?"

Today's special... donuts.

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

What can I get you? Coffee? Tea? Sandwich? The mackerel mocha sounds lovely. What's in it? The usual. Chocolate. Soy milk. Mackerel. Yes, but is the mackerel farm-raised or from the sea? Ocean. Atlantic? Pacific? Indian? Arctic? Antarctic? I'm not sure. Oh. Ok ... well what's the mackerel's mercury content? Negligible, I'm sure. Ok. Was it exposed to any chlorine? Or copper sulphate? Or malathion? Was it treated with kindness? Was it read stories and sung to before bedtime? Yes. Never mind, it s

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Knights of the iPhone

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

Cafe Jelly, Set Lunch

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Never judge a nose job at face value.

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

'So...They got you too..'

"Order's up -- One grass-fed free-range peanut butter and jelly dinosaur sandwich."

"I'll have the artist's lunch, if there is such."