Witty Eater Gifts

Slow food.

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"How can you be out of wings?"

Today's special... donuts.

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'I'll have the steak.' (Fish in tank start jumping for joy).

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

Knights of the iPhone

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

Cafe Jelly, Set Lunch

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

'So...They got you too..'

Recycle your problems. Many of our neuroses, hang-ups and character defects can be re-used by others.

"Order's up -- One grass-fed free-range peanut butter and jelly dinosaur sandwich."

"I'll have the artist's lunch, if there is such."

Never judge a nose job at face value.