Humorous Eater Gifts

Three square meals a day.

For twenty years Harold had been a devoted vegetarian, but then one day...

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

Filet minion

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'Another neat trick is to cut regular spaghetti into little pieces, and next thing you know you've got yourself a bowl of spaghetti-i-s.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"There are no croutons. I use tater tots on my salad."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

Better Not Squash.

Cooking with Pierre

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

'Good news - we're merging with Mellman's Jelly and Alpine Toast.'

"Man does not live by chips alone. There's also guacamole."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'I thought a perfect martini would cover the 'well balanced' requirement of my night to cook.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'He's cured.'

'Trust me, Madam, that fish is fresh!'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

Boy who has eaten oysters and grown fat

"The other waiters just spit in the food of rude customers, not in their faces!"

What can I get you? Coffee? Tea? Sandwich? The mackerel mocha sounds lovely. What's in it? The usual. Chocolate. Soy milk. Mackerel. Yes, but is the mackerel farm-raised or from the sea? Ocean. Atlantic? Pacific? Indian? Arctic? Antarctic? I'm not sure. Oh. Ok ... well what's the mackerel's mercury content? Negligible, I'm sure. Ok. Was it exposed to any chlorine? Or copper sulphate? Or malathion? Was it treated with kindness? Was it read stories and sung to before bedtime? Yes. Never mind, it s

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'So this is a kitchen!'

"Stop playing with your food and eat your dinner!"

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Couple in restaurant, "Sorry it's slow, Chef's got the runs"