Humorous Eaters Gifts

What can I get you? Coffee? Tea? Sandwich? The mackerel mocha sounds lovely. What's in it? The usual. Chocolate. Soy milk. Mackerel. Yes, but is the mackerel farm-raised or from the sea? Ocean. Atlantic? Pacific? Indian? Arctic? Antarctic? I'm not sure. Oh. Ok ... well what's the mackerel's mercury content? Negligible, I'm sure. Ok. Was it exposed to any chlorine? Or copper sulphate? Or malathion? Was it treated with kindness? Was it read stories and sung to before bedtime? Yes. Never mind, it s

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

Filet minion

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

Better Not Squash.

Cat eats date.

Cooking with Pierre

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

"Sorry Sir, but what exactly were you expecting to be served when you ordered the 'early bird special'."

'I was like you once, full of ambition! AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT MEEE!'

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

"Man does not live by chips alone. There's also guacamole."

'Good news - we're merging with Mellman's Jelly and Alpine Toast.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'I thought a perfect martini would cover the 'well balanced' requirement of my night to cook.'

'He's cured.'

'Trust me, Madam, that fish is fresh!'

'The Big Beg Theory'

"The other waiters just spit in the food of rude customers, not in their faces!"

'OK, who ordered the prawn cocktail?'

'So this is a kitchen!'

Couple in restaurant, "Sorry it's slow, Chef's got the runs"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"You're losing your everything."

'You'd better cut it into six pieces I don't think I could eat eight!'

All our meals digest easily forming a soft, mushy stool with just a hint of acridity.

'How did you get your pastry so thin?' Steam roller.

The Leaning Tower of Pizza

"Say hello to my little friend!"