Humorist Foodie Gifts

Cake $6.66. Upside-down cake $9.99.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Couple in restaurant, "Sorry it's slow, Chef's got the runs"

How Egg Drop Soup is Made.

"Hmmmm...What am I in the mood for?"

"We're a Vegan Drive Thru so we don't have any Happy Meals or even somewhat pleasurable meals."

"Me veganism begins and ends with eating insects."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Lesser known greek gods,

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Garlic Free Zone.

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"I can assure you ladies all our eggs come from free range chickens."

Cat eats date.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'