Witty Competitor Gifts

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

The Unsportables: Relay

Danth battle?

Al's Diner. Special: Spaghetti. All You Can Eat $3.95. Ernie, don't play with your food unless you're sure you can win.

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

The Cricketer and the Golfer

Noughts and crosses hugging and kissing.

"Looks like somebody brought a blanky to a pillow fight."

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

Plane with banner shoots at another.

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

Pole jumper about to land on a giant whoopi cushion.

"I carefully examine the data for March madness brackets and every year I lose to Anita, who picks by uniform colors."

Knights of the iPhone

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Skateboard Olympics.

A Man mixing up his sports.

'Oh, yeah? Well, my dad can pretend to beat up your dad!'

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"Foul!"

"Better - but it was still too obvious when you went for the pine tar under your hat."

Tug the Toggle

Oh, yeah? Well, my dad can reach a higher plane of consciousness than your dad!

Full Of Beans

Later accounts would call it the Greatest Water Battle of All Time,

'Which club do I use for a hole in one?'

'You wobbled his knees! Hit him again! Hit him again!'

"All As. What did you get?"

Space Hopper Rodeo

Rugger.

"I like it, but the women will never wear it."

'What do you mean there's no specific rule that forbids a center fielder from doing that?'