Wise Crack Gifts

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

The Vineyard

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

Loopholes

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

"We've been hacked by our enemies! Is there anyone who know something about computers?"

'...On the other hand - the examined life sucks too.'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

"Oh, you mellow with age alright: I even like the postman now..."

Dr. Ernie answers your questions about aging. A reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, what will deteriorate fastest as I get older?" Medicare.

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

The Guru has left this location after discovering the secret to happiness is better cell phone reception.

The tax and maintenance charges are why they call them con-doughs.

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

"Hey lad, when I was your age I was so much older than you."

"Remember son, there's no problem so big that it can't be run away from."

No ultimatum. Please give.

"Trust me: It's benign."

Mayfly Wisdom: Never put off til tomorrow...

"Crap! There's a really big piece of tape!"

There's no physiological reason I'm sleeping less as I'm getting older. I just need more time to find my glasses.

"He's a barn owl, we're great horned owls – completely different class."

'If you were your dog, would you pick you for a best friend?'

"A journey of a thousand miles begins at my ATM."

A man giving advice to his son

"That reminds me of a joke..."