Wisecrack Enthusiast Gifts

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

No ultimatum. Please give.

"Now that I'm looking at your project more closely, I have several questions."

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Stephen Fry.

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'