Wisecrack Lover Gifts

Electric toothbrushes prove that tooth is stronger than friction.

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

"You make a great point."

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'