Wisecrack Enthusiasts Gifts

"A journey of a thousand miles begins at my ATM."

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

Stephen Fry.

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'