Wisecrack Specialist Gifts

Court House. A guy I wanted to call to testify about my client's character moved overseas. An expat witness!

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'