Wisecrack Specialist T-Shirts

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'