Wisecrack Enthusiast Pillows

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

Dr. Ernie answers your questions about aging. A reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, what will deteriorate fastest as I get older?" Medicare.

'So, did ya hear? They say that 97 is the new 92!'

No ultimatum. Please give.

"Now that I'm looking at your project more closely, I have several questions."

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

Stephen Fry.

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

Oscar Wilde