Wisecrack Aficionado Pillows

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

'Time and tide wait for no woman..'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

Counsel's Opinion.

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'