Wisecrack Theologian Pillows

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

Hot cross buns

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'