Wisecrack Wizard Pillows

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

"Now that we have these Earthlings in our power, we can take over this planet!"

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

The password: "C'mon everybody try to remember!"

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

Go on! Pick a card.

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Your father installed a security system.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!