Wisecrack Wizard Pillows

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"Now that we have these Earthlings in our power, we can take over this planet!"

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

The password: "C'mon everybody try to remember!"

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Your father installed a security system.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

Go on! Pick a card.

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'