Wisecrack Wizards Pillows

"That reminds me of a joke..."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

Miss America IQ Pageant

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

UBLIC RELATIONS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Always the wise guy.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

On second thought, your honor

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."