Wisecrack Wizards Pillows

"That reminds me of a joke..."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

Miss America IQ Pageant

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

UBLIC RELATIONS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'Always the wise guy.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'