Wisecrack Collectors Pillows

"Remember son, there's no problem so big that it can't be run away from."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

'Let's see. One dozen red wigglers, two dozen nightcrawlers,three dozen crickets. Want flies with that?'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

"A word to the wise..or is it a word from the wise? I always get it mixed up."

The secret to longevity is good genes, good diet, a good lawyer and witnesses with weak eyesight and poor memories.

'Look! There's Santa!'