Widow Gifts

"Whatever isn't cigarette butts in there is Harold."

'You'd better sit down, I have some bad news, Mrs Burton...It's about your late husband...Whoops!..'

"I'm afraid there's really very little I can do."

'I still can't believe he's not snoring.'

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'My ex husband's last heart attack.'

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

'He wouldn't let go of his chair.'

'I'm glad your husband finally agreed to join us.'

"I trust my late husband didn't leave any nasty surprises?"

"I need to wait until the euphoria wears off before I start dating again."

"Apparently the will was typed up wrong and UCLA got all your husband's money...and you get his brain!"

"I think you should forgive and forget, instead of leaving wet towels all over Dad's grave."

I realize we all grieve in our own way, ma'am, but the crematorium staff did not appreciate the fireworks you put in your late husbands pockets.

"No, he didn't suffer. That's my only regret."

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."

"My husband doesn't' get too excited when the market is up nor too depressed when it's down. My husband is deceased."

"She left you nothing. Sorry for your loss."

'You're husband's death is an absolute tragedy, it's going to play havoc with my monthly mortality targets.'

'It was Oscar's final request.'

"Spiteful to the very end."

"Dead! How do you know he's dead? You're a dermatologist."

Marriage Heaven

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'He put up a good fight to the end.'

'The Mexican cave-diving was the last of his Things To Do Before He Died. Unfortunately, making a will didn't make the list. . .'

"And now, dear, I’m going to hum annoyingly and see how you like it."

"We even tried pouring red wine down his gullet."

"Fred wanted his ashes spread at sea, but we're landlocked, so I gave him to the fish farm."

"I spread his ashes at the park, but the storm must have blown his ashes all over town by now!"

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

"They say, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger', …But, it killed him."

"He did it my way."

"He refuses to let me get on with the grieving process."