Widow Gifts

"Whatever isn't cigarette butts in there is Harold."

'You'd better sit down, I have some bad news, Mrs Burton...It's about your late husband...Whoops!..'

"I'm afraid there's really very little I can do."

'I still can't believe he's not snoring.'

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'My ex husband's last heart attack.'

"I need to wait until the euphoria wears off before I start dating again."

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

'He wouldn't let go of his chair.'

'I'm glad your husband finally agreed to join us.'

"I trust my late husband didn't leave any nasty surprises?"

"No, he didn't suffer. That's my only regret."

"My husband doesn't' get too excited when the market is up nor too depressed when it's down. My husband is deceased."

Marriage Heaven

'You're husband's death is an absolute tragedy, it's going to play havoc with my monthly mortality targets.'

"She left you nothing. Sorry for your loss."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'The Mexican cave-diving was the last of his Things To Do Before He Died. Unfortunately, making a will didn't make the list. . .'

'He put up a good fight to the end.'

'It was Oscar's final request.'

"I think you should forgive and forget, instead of leaving wet towels all over Dad's grave."

"Dead! How do you know he's dead? You're a dermatologist."

"Fred wanted his ashes spread at sea, but we're landlocked, so I gave him to the fish farm."

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

"We even tried pouring red wine down his gullet."

Introducing Mrs. Dumpty

"No, it's my husband that's expired. Is his credit card still good?"

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"Roger always lived on the edge. Then one day he fell off."

"He just up and died. Typical."

"He refuses to let me get on with the grieving process."

"He did it my way."

"How about something nice for his ashes?"

"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."

"I feel like we're drifting apart."