Becoming A Widow Gifts

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

"Your late husband left you a substantial sum..."

'Trust you to leave my daughter a widow!'

"That's the last picture of my late husband...He was always playing the victim."

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

"Goodness! These tomatoes look so good!"

"Apparently the will was typed up wrong and UCLA got all your husband's money...and you get his brain!"

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"Well, I can say if it wasn't for tragedy, I would not be here."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'Your late husband requests a status up date on how his stocks are doing...'

Arnold Hazlet and beloved wife Tamira (unless she married that guy across the street)

"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."

Widow shows a portrait of herself

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

"Dead! How do you know he's dead? You're a dermatologist."

'And do you promise to offer free, unlimited tech support?'

"When I moved here after your mother passed... The first thing I did was make this altar...so I could pray for her. But your father said, 'Just no photos.'"

"... and to my husband I leave f*** all!"

"The first thing about living alone again is not to overdo the chintz."

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

'It was the funeral home's idea.'

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

'This is your seventh husband who has disappeared without a trace... Boy, you're unlucky...'