Widower Life Gifts

"I can't. You told him he could date after you came here."

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

"Goodness! These tomatoes look so good!"

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

You Know You're Old When...

"Well, I can say if it wasn't for tragedy, I would not be here."

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

Arnold Hazlet and beloved wife Tamira (unless she married that guy across the street)

Widow shows a portrait of herself

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

'Your late husband requests a status up date on how his stocks are doing...'

"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

"Dead! How do you know he's dead? You're a dermatologist."

'It was the funeral home's idea.'

'This is your seventh husband who has disappeared without a trace... Boy, you're unlucky...'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"When I moved here after your mother passed... The first thing I did was make this altar...so I could pray for her. But your father said, 'Just no photos.'"

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."