Widower Life Gifts

"I can't. You told him he could date after you came here."

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

"Goodness! These tomatoes look so good!"

"Apparently the will was typed up wrong and UCLA got all your husband's money...and you get his brain!"

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

You Know You're Old When...

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"Well, I can say if it wasn't for tragedy, I would not be here."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

Hot flashes

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

'Your late husband requests a status up date on how his stocks are doing...'

Widow shows a portrait of herself

Arnold Hazlet and beloved wife Tamira (unless she married that guy across the street)

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

"Dead! How do you know he's dead? You're a dermatologist."

'It was the funeral home's idea.'

"The first thing about living alone again is not to overdo the chintz."

"... and to my husband I leave f*** all!"

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

'This is your seventh husband who has disappeared without a trace... Boy, you're unlucky...'