Weekend Humorist Gifts

'Well, I'm home for the weekend - shall we have the row now or later?'

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

Camping holidays in the British summer.

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"Tony and Stephanie are from Iowa."

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Are we broke yet?'

Swearing and fighting in a caravan

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

'I love it when it's sunny at festivals. It makes the mud so much warmer.'

This Semester's Report Card

How men shop for towels.

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

'I will now play a selection of digital audio files I downloaded today.'

'Oh no, it's that 'come hither and do the dishes' look.'

"In case you had any doubts, Holbrook, you're fired!"