Weekend Humorist Gifts

'Well, I'm home for the weekend - shall we have the row now or later?'

Cash Machines From Across the Land

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

Camping holidays in the British summer.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'I didn't have time to cut the lawn, so I used your credit card to have it carpeted. Do you like the cool color I picked out?'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"Tony and Stephanie are from Iowa."

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

Swearing and fighting in a caravan

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'Are we broke yet?'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'I love it when it's sunny at festivals. It makes the mud so much warmer.'

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

How men shop for towels.

This Semester's Report Card

'I will now play a selection of digital audio files I downloaded today.'

"In case you had any doubts, Holbrook, you're fired!"